Definitely shows you how made up time is!
I have had a crazy few weeks and haven't had much time to write, or do anything other than real life stuff...or dream state stuff I should say.
Anyways, I wrote this originally last month, but never got a chance to finish it until...well obviously now.
I have spent the last few days over thinking my next post. I over think everything, and this week has been the insane cherry on top of the Half Melted, impossible to eat but still oh so good, Sunday of a year.
I thought about writing something about my Husband filing for Divorce and getting served the day before my birthday. Or about my child being a thousand miles away experiencing Snow and my Family for the first time without me. But the What I know so Far post beat them both...
I have always loved numbers. Always. Odd numbers are my preference, with 3 being the best. Or 9. Don't ask me why. I couldn't begin to tell you the answer. It's just always been a weird part of Who I am and what goes on inside my mind.
Because of this I have always looked at certain dates, or arrangements of numbers that are significant to me.
Such as the clock always being at 9:11 when I decide to check it. Or 3:33. .. that's been a normal occurrence my entire life. Constantly waking up at 3:30 am my entire childhood.
Such as the clock always being at 9:11 when I decide to check it. Or 3:33. .. that's been a normal occurrence my entire life. Constantly waking up at 3:30 am my entire childhood.
I picked my wedding date based off the same love of numbers.
I predicted the date my child would be born from looking at the calendar the week before and after her due date by seeing which date most closely related to this love of numbers.... And was right.
As a child I would often think of cool number patterns in certain dates. One of which was what I would be doing the year I turned 29 on the 29th.
As a child it seemed so far away. But with each year passing and the gap between my current age and the 29th of my birthday month slipping away, I somewhat forgot about this long remembered childhood thought.... Until the 27th of this year.
That's right, this year I turned 29 on the 29th. And let me assure you. Absolutely nothing other than being a Mom was correctly predicted all those years.
As a child, then as a teenager, I would think forward to the last year of my Twenties. I was never one that dreaded getting "old".
Instead, I attempted to grow up too fast...completely skipping the several year gap from innocent childhood to High School Shenanigans. It was as if I put my American Girl Doll in her four poster mini bed, walked out my parents front door and straight to a party in which I overheard my supposed five best friends talking shhhz about me. Now looking back it was such a silly reason to be so deeply affected. For sure one of those if I could tell myself then what I know now type situations. However, in the pain body of a preteen that never quite fit in , always way too wise beyond her age, spiritually sensitive but totally clueless and self conscious thats simultaneously dealing with an Emotionally detached Mom and suddenly changed Dad of the Century to Never around On the road Dad, such a small event sparked the thought that closed the book of my childhood and opened to a clean white page of a new one.
One that wouldn't make sense for 15 or more years down the road.
I left the party of bad mouthing friends and went to the party across the tracks. In a small town that's the ghetto in case you don't know. And discovered the possibility of escaping my problems using outside sources.
This post isn't meant to be about that night, but that night needed to be described as it marked a shift in my life. Much like the one I find myself going through now.
The only difference being the 15 years of experience I now have in dealing with insane, floor disappearing, world upside down change. Partly due to life just doing what it does best, but mostly because of the decisions made like the one I made on that night so long ago. Whatever the reason for the gaining of my life experience, at least I gained it.
Some of the lessons are pretty cliche, somewhat duh worthy of you ask me. However, growing up in such a clouded society in which we teach our children to look both ways, or not talk to strangers but neglect to tell them it's okay to be different, to love yourself more than anything else, or that being compassionate is a necessity, I had to stumble and fall onto almost every one of them.
I originally hadn't planned on a numbered list, however, that's how it turned out. So without further ado and in order of no importance here are 10 things I've learned thus far :
1. What other people think about me Is none of my business.
Probably one of the most important life lessons to date. I listed it at #1 for a reason even though I just said this list wasn't in any order. The reason being that it was and still is the hardest to master but most profoundly beneficial when accomplished even half the time. When I give people the freedom to love me, hate me, envy me, or not give a crap at all, I remove the power they would otherwise have over my Emotional stability, my self worth, my self esteem, and entire thought process. The Ego strives to have control. Take away the control and you will quickly discover who your soul mates are.
2. Trust your Soul
God, if there was one thing I could tell my 6 year old self it would be this. Even though it wouldn't guarantee a different life experience, nor does it matter because the past doesn't exist....for the posts sake it does for right now.
I have always had a severely strong, borderline psychic, intuition. But never knew what it was until my late teens, and never truly trusted it until my late twenties.
I have always had a severely strong, borderline psychic, intuition. But never knew what it was until my late teens, and never truly trusted it until my late twenties.
Our soul is the only thing we've always had, and the only thing we take with us when we leave this world. If I get a feeling about something I listen to it. That's what it's there for. It's only when we are operating from the egoic mind that the feelings of intuition become warped. But even in those times in my life, I would have been better off listening to that voice in my head over the people around me. As Mya Angelou says When You know better, Do better. And In this area I have. I always trust my Soul.
3. Live YOUR life.
Its your life. Do what cha wanna do. No one can pay the consequences for your life choices. So why Iive your life for something or someone else? If I'm the only one who has to deal with the results of a choice then shouldn't I make that choice? I'm not saying never take risks or create change by any means. And sometimes other people offer great advice and wisdom that definitely should be taken into consideration. You can do anything you want as long as you're willing to pay the piper if needed.
I spent the majority of my life doing what others thought was best for me to do. And if there was such a thing as regret, it would have Probably led to a bunch of it by the end of the next 30 years. Thankfully, as a direct result of meditation and seeking spirituality, I have overcome my need to people please for the most part. I know what I want my life to look like and I have the right to attempt to make that happen.
4. Don't Sweat the Small stuff...and yes it is really all small stuff.
One of the most annoying cliches said, but also one of the truest. As the above life example shows, not everything is going to stay as big of a deal as I might think in that moment. Sometimes its wisest to chose your battles and let things be. Chances are todays worries are going to end up yesterdays news with no reprinting. Yes I just made a paragraph out of cliche sayings and I like it if I say so myself.
5. To Thine own Self Be True
Some would say this is a combination of 1,2, and 3... and in a way it is. But the importance of this life lesson is never ending. When I am opperating from a place of Consciousness, and Source. I know in my heart what I should do, when I should do it, and how I should do it. I also have learned to trust my soul (as above mentioned) so if I know these things why would I then chose to still do what I know to not be right for me? Conditioned beliefs and responses, thats why. We are told from the day we met our Parents that we don't know what we need or want and should do as I say not as I do. We live in a Society that thinks saying No or not fitting in is considered wrong. We are taught how to act, what's appropriate tI wear, say, or think. We are immediately fixed into the role we are expected to play before getting a chance to even realize who we actually are. It's only after years of peeling these layers off bit by bit that I have even started to see the I in me. I began to see that I didn't really know what my true self was, much less what it meant to be true to it. Once I began to love and trust my self I began to learn what it is that I personally believed and what that looked like in relationship to my life.
6. Meditate
Meditation is the proverbial charger as Jerry Seinfield once said. And its so true. A lot of these life lessons are only useable if I am not coming from a place of ego. In order to not come from ego I must come from Consciousness, and in order to come from a place of Consciousness, I need to access that, and to access that I must... you guessed it... Meditate.
7. Be Present in Parenting
I consider myself extrememly fortunate to have somehow figured this one out when my child was an infant. I have always had an instinctual realization that one day, in the not so disant future, I will miss whatever I wish would stop at the moment. Be it a tantrum, insane day, bath time, etc. I knew one day itd be gone, and Id miss it. So if I'm going to miss it why would I not enjoy it now?
It's easy to get caught up in life, stress, or other issues. We are, after all, human beings that have a constantly past or future thinking mind.
Children on the other hand only live in the now.
See how this could cause problems?
Our most important job on this earth is raising our children. They are the next us. They are the true agents of change. What we instill in them will one day be society's views. I don't believe people see this for the responsibility that it truly is. I once read "A mother's heart is her child's classroom". What we hold in our heart is what we pass to our children. Intentionally or unintentionally. We must be mindful of our actions pertaining to our children.
For myself, I actually sat down one afternoon and made a list of the things I think our society could benefit from and then took that list and made a promise to myself to instill these beliefs in my child. One of these beliefs is Being in the Now. The only way I can truly instill this in my child is by setting an example for her. Which is why being present in Parenting is so important. We can't teach mindfulness if we are not mindful ourselves.
8. Spirituality is Personal, so treat it that way.
I came to believe in a Power greater than myself. This sentence saved my life, in more ways than one. I came to believe in a Higher Power not the God in the clouds. This opened up a whole new way of looking at "God" from what I'd previously experienced. God was no longer limited by the definition in my mind that I'd been conditioned to see every time I thought of God. This allowed me to slowly replace that conditioned belief of what God was and is, with one of my own. It is always changing, and always growing, but it is mine. No one elses. And thats okay, and perfect exactly as it is.
9. Seek God with all your heart and all else will fall into place
As I said before, I use the word God, but not the Dogmatic God, my God. So with that being said, One of the most important life lessons is was realizing by Seeking God I am seeking Consciousness. And in seeking Consciousness I realized I am consciousness and therefore became Conscious....at least sometimes. And when operating from Consciousness I tend to not screw up, or be an ass hole. Not to mention the peace, love, and gratitude that fills your heart and life once this mindset is achieved.
10. Be the Change
If I want something done right, I need to do it myself. One might think that's quite an egoic statemenet for something such as Changing the world but it's not, and heres why. If this is my life, my world, and will one day be my childrens world. Why would I leave it up to someone else, who may have a completely different set of beliefs than mine, some of which might be damaging to this planet and our souls. Why would I not take responsibility for my area of the planet and do what I can do to change it for the better? The thing with "Be the Change" is that it's not some global shift of change you are supposed to seek. Its the day to day in my life, the response I give to people, the way I perceive a situation and what I try to do about it that counts. I can't desire a world where LovingKindness, Compassion, and Consciousness are the norm and be an Egoic, Pain Body led, Unconscious Soul can I?
Of course not. In order to change our society I first have to change myself. We can't be mindful and hypocritical. Doesn't work that way.
As I was saying earlier, the night I left that birthday party, I opened a new book in my life, one that didn't make sense until years later. The reasons for that being my own stubborn ways, but also the lack of realizing the most important step of all. Love yourself. As women in this society we are taught to care for everyone else all the time. And if you don't you have something wrong with you. I don't regret anything I have done in my life, it has all been a lesson or a blessing in the grand scheme of things. I do however now look back and realize Loving myself was missing for most of my life. I never thought I didn't love myself, in fact I always had a pretty good deal of self confidence. But it wasn't until recently that I realized they aren't the same. It wasn't until I became a Mom, and learned to trust my soul and do what I knew to be as best that I realized I had just realized what loving yourself actually meant.
Which brings me back to turning 29 on the 29th.... Another thing I have learned in life, its that if you want to hear God laugh, tell him your plans.
Like I said I was going to write about my Divorce, or my Child, but in reality, those things aren't whats going to change by whats happening in my life right now. I mean sure my marriage is ending. This time two years ago I was a stay at home mom to a beautiful baby girl in a beautiful home with a beautiful Dog in a Beautiful Small Town USA type place. My husband lost his job, I got sick, that all went away, and now I'm divorcing. But I've learned in life that those things must happen in order for the change to occur. As Buddha once said "In order to gain anything, one must first lose everything."
No one is going to better themselves when they have an easy life. And for whatever reason it seems my life is a karmic race of how many lessons can one person learn. But again, I've also grown to love, and trust even that.
In the process of losing everything I thought I needed in order to live the life I thought I should be living, I realized I gained the life I (I Knew) was supposed to always have.
My 29th Birthday marks a time in my life of change, growth, saddness and loss. I am divorcing, and not by my decision. I have a chronic illness. Again not by choice. My life looks nothing like it did two years ago. Even the stuff in my life was lost. Again not by choice.
But, I am happy. By choice. I am grateful for the life I have today. Through suffering I began to realize what was needed and important. At times I had to literally repeat to myself that all the hardships were serving a purpose. I consciously chose to seek God, and Be grateful. it wasn't easy by any means but
I now have inner peace that surpasses all understanding. And I have love like I've never had before. I have made the choice to consciously acknowledge all of these things. To look at the hardships of my life and learn from them instead of hide from them. I've learned to be sincere with myself and see the truth in a situation. Some may argue that's not the truth, but as I wrote in #1, not my problem. and in #5 I'm true to myself and my God. Anything other than that is not my business and frankly doesnt matter to me.
My Life during my 29th birthday may not be anything like I imagined it would be, but that's ok. If theres one thing I know for sure, its that when life is the hardest, the most beautiful changes occur. it's not my job to figure out what those changes will be. Its my job to trust the process and do whatever it is that's in front of me that needs to be done.
I have no idea what will happen in my 30s or beyond, or even in five minutes. But I know that as long as I seek God in all that I do, remain grateful for the sunny days and learn from the rainy days I will do just fine. I will have peace and happiness in my soul, and I know that I will find the way. And really I've learned, thats enough.
What about you? Feel free to join in and share your experience strength and hope!
